Funny Newfie Version of Survivor

Did you know dat' NTV is making a Newfie show of Survivor". These are the rules by's:

All Newfies gotta take an obstacle course around Newfoundland and Labrador. They gotta go from St. John's to Port aux Basques, then back to Corner Brook, then to St. Anthony, where they swim across the channel to Labrador. From there dey' go to Goose Bay, Labrador City, and swim across the channel to Newfieland once again. Down the Northern Peninsula dey' go, stopping for coffee at Tim Hortons in every Tims dey find until dey' reach the finish line right smacl in da' middle of Newfoundland... Buchans!

Dey' gotta drive a four wheeler. On da' bumper sticker it says:

"DANNY WILLIAMS, THE BEST PREMIER SINCE JOEY SMALLWOOD."

Whoever gets dere' first id da' winner, and gets a 2 loads a wood, two rabbits, and 8 bottles of moose (donated by someones grandmudder').

One contestant was gonna travel on dis' bike but could't get his bike lock untied!

Another hilarious funny jokes website:

Worlds Funniest Pictures  by Newfie Jokes

Two Newfies in Home Hardware - Funny Newfie Joke

Another Funny Newfie Joke

Two Newfoundlanders, one of them old and and the other young, push their shopping carts around Home Hardware and bang into each other.

The older one says to the younger, "I'm very sorry. I was distracted while looking for the wife, wans't paying attention."

The young Newfie says, "I'm looking for mine too! That's a coincidence!"

The older Newfoundlander says, "Maybe I can help you, and you help me. What does she look like?"

 "My wife is 24 years old, blue eyes, tall, with blonde hair, big bo*bs , long legs... How does your wife look?" .

The older says, "You don't want to know... I'll help you look for yours!"

Like this FUNNY Newfie Joke? Check out this one...

http://newfiejoke.blogspot.com/2007/03/newfie-jedi.html

Funny Polar Bear Picture

Polar Bears Camping Funny Picture!

Another hilarious funny jokes website:

Worlds Funniest Pictures  by Newfie Jokes

Funny Newfoundland Sayings

Funny Newfoundland Sayings


I'll be dere d'rackly
(I'll be there right away)

What a snarl!!
(extreme mess)

Well we rolled at dat; well we handy 'bout died
(Found something extremely funny)

What a feed
(a great meal)

More Funny Newfie Sayings

You can forget 'bout dat, ol' man
(annoyed with what someone just said)

Who knit ya?
(Where did you come from? or Who made you?)

Another hilarious funny jokes website:

Worlds Funniest Pictures  by Newfie Jokes

Newfoundland Wife Duties - Funny Newfie Joke!

Newfoundland Wife Duties - Funny Newfie Joke!

Three men from Ontario were sitting together one day bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from Quebec and had told her that she was going to have to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Manitoba. He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a girl from Newfoundland. He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything,but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little bit out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

If a Man Speaks in the Forest
and there is no Woman
there to Hear...
Is He Still Wrong?
FUNNY Sign! LOL! 

Another hilarious funny jokes website:

Worlds Funniest Pictures  by Newfie Jokes

Funny Newfie Horseshoes Picture and Blind Newfie!

Blind Newfie in the Swimming Pool (Toilet?) Funny Joke

There once was a blind Newfoundlander who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas." When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar.

Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."

After a couple of beers, the blind Newfie asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right."

The blind Newfie headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool. He fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind Newfie started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"

Newfie: a person from Newfoundland/Labrador

More hilarious jokes, cartoons, riddles, videos, much more at World's Funniest Jokes and Pictures!

Newfies playing Horseshoes with Toilet Seats! LOL!

Another hilarious funny jokes website:

Worlds Funniest Pictures  by Newfie Jokes

You Know You're From Newfoundland When... - FUNNY Newfie JOKE!

You know you're from Newfoundland when...

- You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
- You only know three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup.
- The mosquitoes have landing lights.
- You have 10 favourite recipes for bottled moose.
- You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.
- Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
- You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
- You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground.
- Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
- You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
- You think s*xy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.
- The local paper covers national and international headlines on 1/4 page, but requires 6 pages for local softball scores.
- The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
- At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
- Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.
- You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck.
- You think the start of salmon fishing season is a national holiday.
- You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
- The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze.
- You find -40C a little nippy.
- You can play road hockey on skates.
- The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
- You know 4 seasons - Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction.
- You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Newfie friends.

more funny jokes at Funniest Jokes Ever

Another hilarious funny jokes website:

Worlds Funniest Pictures  by Newfie Jokes

Funny Moose Picture and Newfie Patch Joke!

Two newfs are driving, both enjoying a bottle of black horse, when a cop pulls them over. The newf in the passenger seat says "he's got us now by, what are we gonna do?".

The driver assures the passenger that they have nothing to worry about and tells him to follow his lead and say nothing.

So, the driver peals the lable off the bottle of beer, licks the back of the lable, sticks it to his forehead, and puts the bottle under his seat; the passenger follows suit. The police officer approaches the drivers window and asks for his licence and registration.

As the driver gives the officer his info the officer asks whether he or the passenger had been drinking at all that night, and the driver points to his forehead and responds, "Oh no sir, we's on da patch ya see!".

Another hilarious funny jokes website:

Worlds Funniest Pictures  by Newfie Jokes

Engagement Self Portrait Painting with my Beautiful Wife

Engagement Portrait

Self-Portrait with my Beautiful Wife
Oil on Canvas
3 feet by 4 feet
2011

ART by Graham Matthews

I began this portrait painting earlier this year in preparation for..
.

 ...more at Graham Matthews ART

Please LIKE my Facebook Page! Thanks!!

Graham Matthews ART on Facebook

Another hilarious funny jokes website:

Worlds Funniest Pictures  by Newfie Jokes

A Few Funny Newfie (Newfoundland) Sayings

Eyes like a caplin goin' offshore - (His eyes were bloodshot!)

'ere - (Here...note that some Newfies drop their h's and pick them up in front of vowels!)

Turn round, she's bind ya - (Turn around, she's behind you.)

Shockin' that is, shockin - (This should not need too much explaining...it's shocking!)

Mind your mouth now - (Be careful what you are saying, usually used to tell someone their language is a little off colour.)

Giv us a bitta dat luh - (Give us some of that.)

Any mummers loud in? - (Mummers are people dressed up who visit around Christmas...this is the question they usually ask after someone answers the door.)

Ya gat da face only a mutter could luv - (You got the face only a mother could love, in other words, ugly!)

Idn't dat fulish bye - (Isn't that foolish...and of course we Newfies say bye at the end of many phrases, instead of the eh associated with Canadians!)

Owshegettinonb'ys - (How is she getting on...or how is she doing?

I'll be dere da rackley - (I'll be there in a few minutes.)

Another hilarious funny jokes website:

Worlds Funniest Pictures  by Newfie Jokes

Can't outsmart a Newfie - Funny Newfoundland Joke

A Newfie went hunting one day in Ontario and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden, who didn't like Newfies.

The game warden ordered the Newfie to show his hunting license, and the Newfie pulled out a valid Ontario hunting license.

The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, 'This duck ain't from Ontario . This is a Quebec duck. You got a Quebec huntin' license, boy?'

The Newfie reached into his wallet and produced a Quebec hunting license. The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said , 'This ain't no Quebec duck. This duck's from Manitoba . You got a Manitoba license?'

The Newfie reached into his wallet and produced a Manitoba hunting license.

The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt and said, 'This ain't no Ontario duck. This here duck's from Nova Scotia . You got a Nova Scotia huntin' license?'

Again the Newfie reached into his wallet and brought out a Nova Scotia hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the Newfie 'Just where the hell are you from?'

The Newfie turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, 'You tell me.....you're the expert.!!'

Another hilarious funny jokes website:

Worlds Funniest Pictures  by Newfie Jokes

You know you're from Newfoundland when...

- You only know three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup.
- You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
- The mosquitoes have landing lights.
- You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.
- You have 10 favourite recipes for bottled moose.
- Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
- You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground.
- You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
- Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
- You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.
- You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
- The local paper covers national and international headlines on 1/4 page, but requires 6 pages for local softball scores.
- At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
- The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
- Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.
- You think the start of salmon fishing season is a national holiday.
- You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck.
- You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
- You find -40C a little nippy.
- The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze.
- You can play road hockey on skates.
- You know 4 seasons - Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction.
- The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
- You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Newfie friends.

Another hilarious funny jokes website:

Worlds Funniest Pictures  by Newfie Jokes

Newfie on the Patch - Funny Newfoundland Joke

Two newfies are in a car enjoying a bottle of black horse, when a cop pulls them over. The newfie in the passenger seat says "He's got us now by, what are we gonna do?"
The driver says they have nothing to worry about and tells him to follow his lead and say nothing.
The driver peals the lable off the bottle of beer, licks the back of it, sticks it to his forehead, and puts the bottle under his seat--the passenger follows suit. The police officer approaches the drivers window and asks for his licence and registration.
As the driver gives the officer his info the officer asks whether he or the passenger had been drinking at all that night, at which point the driver points to his forehead and responds, "Oh no sir, we's on da patch ya see!".

Another hilarious funny jokes website:

Worlds Funniest Pictures  by Newfie Jokes

Funny Newfoundland Computer Term Definitions

1. Log on - Make the wood stove hotter

2. Log off - Don't add no more wood

3. Monitor - Keep an eye on that wood stove

4. Download - Getting the firewood off the truck

5. Floppy disk - What you get from trying to carry too much firewood

6. Ram - The thing that splits the firewood

7. Hard Drive - Getting home in the winter

8. Prompt - What the mail ain't in the winter

9. Window - What to shut when it's cold outside

10. Screen - What to shut in black fly season

11. Byte - What the black flies do

12. Bit - What the black flies did

13. Mega Byte - What the BIG black flies do during trout season

14. Chip - Munchies for TV

15. Micro Chip - What's left in the bag after you eat the chips

16. Modem - What you did to the weeds growing in the driveway

17. Dot matrix - Old Dan Matrix's wife

18. Lap top - Where the beer spills when you pass out

19. Software - The dumb plastic knives and forks they give you at McDonalds

20. Hardware - Real stainless steel cutlery

21. Mouse - What makes the holes in the Cheerios box

22. Main frame - What holds the house up, hopefully

23. Enter - The only way to win those magazine ad sweepstakes

24. Web - What a spider makes

25. Web site - High corners of the ceiling

26. Cursor - Someone who swears

27. Search Engine - What you do when the car dies

28. Screen Saver - repair kit for the torn window screen

29. Home Page - map you keep in your back pocket just in case you
get lost in the woods

30. Upgrade - Steep hill

31. Server - waitress

32. Mail Server - male waitress, damn few in Newfoundland

33. MS DOS - Some new disease they discovered

34. Sound Card - One of them technological birthday cards that plays
music when you open it

35. User - The neighbor who keeps borrowing stuff

36. Browser - A problem moose in the Garden or Blueberry Patch

37. Network - Mending holes in the gillnet

38. Internet - Complicated fish net repair method

39. Netscape - What haddock do when you don't do your network

40. Online - good sign there'll be clean clothes this week

41. Off line - the clothes pins let go and the laundry falls on the
ground--better luck next week

Another hilarious funny jokes website:

Worlds Funniest Pictures  by Newfie Jokes

Newfoundland Job Applicants

A young man named Mike applied for an engineering position at a Newfoundland firm based in St, Johns. A Mainlander applied for the same job and both applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the department manager. Upon completion of the test both men had only missed one of the questions.

The manager went to Mike and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the Mainlander the job."

"And why would you be doing that?" asked Mike. "We both get 9 questions correct. This bein' the rock and me being a Newfie, I should get the jab!"

"We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed."

"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"

"Simple," replied the manager. "On question # 5, the Mainlander put down, 'I don't know.' You put down 'Needer do I.'"

Another hilarious funny jokes website:

Worlds Funniest Pictures  by Newfie Jokes

Potato Sack - Anudder Newfie Joke

An Ontarian, an Albertan, and a Newfie are running from the cops. They run into an alley and see a pile of sacks, which they decide to hide in. The cops follow them into the alley and kick the bag with the Ontarian in it. The Ontarian goes "meow!" and the cops go "Ah, it's just a bag full of cats." They kick the bag with the Albertan in it, and he goes "woof!" and they're like, "OK, dog in a bag, whatever." Then they kick the bag with the Newfie in it, and he goes "potato!"


Yup, dats' just wut' a real newf would say der'... har har har!!!

Another hilarious funny jokes website:

Worlds Funniest Pictures  by Newfie Jokes

You know your from Newfoundland when....

- You only know three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup.
- You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
- The mosquitoes have landing lights.
- You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.
- You have 10 favourite recipes for bottled moose.
- Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
- You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground.
- You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
- Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
- You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.
- You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
- The local paper covers national and international headlines on 1/4 page, but requires 6 pages for local softball scores.
- At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
- The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
- Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.
- You think the start of salmon fishing season is a national holiday.
- You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck.
- You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
- You find -40C a little nippy.
- The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze.
- You can play road hockey on skates.
- You know 4 seasons - Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction.
- The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
- You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Newfie friends.

Another hilarious funny jokes website:

Worlds Funniest Pictures  by Newfie Jokes

Manhole Counter - Anudder Funny One Fer Ya's

A Newfie is jumping up and down on a manhole cover on Robson Street in Vancouver, shouting, “Forty-two, forty-two!” Along comes a Vancouverite who asks him what he's doing. The Newfie says that it's a great sport in Corner Brook to jump up and down on a manhole cover and shout, “Forty-two, forty-two!" and that the Vancouverite should try it.

After much persuasion, the Vancouverite gives in and does so, but without much enthusiasm.

“Put your heart into it,” the Newfie encourages him. “Leap high, yell it loud.”

The Vancouverite shrugs, leaps twelve feet in the air, and really screams, “Forty-two, forty-two!”

Suddenly the Newfie snatches away the manhole cover and the Vancouverite drops down the manhole and disappears in the darkness. The Newfie replaces the cover and again starts jumping up and down on it, shouting, “Forty-three, forty-three!”

Another hilarious funny jokes website:

Worlds Funniest Pictures  by Newfie Jokes

Smart Logger - Funny Newfie Joke

Newfie decides to travel across Canada to see the Pacific Ocean. When he gets to Nanaimo, he likes the place so much that he decides to stay. But first he must find a job.

He walks into the MacMillan-Bloedel office and fills out an application as an 'experienced' logger. It's his lucky day. They just happen to be looking for someone. But first, the bush foreman takes him for a ride in the bush in the company pickup truck to see how much he knows. The foreman stops the truck on the side of the road and points at a tree.

"See that tree over there? I want you to tell me what species it is and how many board feet of lumber it contains."
The Newfie promptly answers, "It's a Sitka spruce and contains 383 board feet of lumber."

The foreman is impressed. He puts the truck in motion and stops again about a mile down the road. He points at another tree through the passenger door window. and asks the same question. This time, it's a bigger tree of a different class.
"It's a Douglas fir and has 690 board feet," says the Newfie.

Now the foreman is really impressed. The Newfie has answered quickly and got the answers right without even using a calculator! One more test. They drive a little farther down the road, and the foreman stops again. This time, he points across the road through his driver side window.
"And what about that one?"
Before the foreman finishes pointing, the Newfie says, "A cedar, 242 board feet."

The foreman spins the truck around and heads back to the office. He's a little ticked off because he thinks that the Newfie is smarter than he. As they near the office, the foreman stops the truck and asks the Newfie to step outside.

He hands him a piece of chalk and tells him, "See that tree over there. I want you to mark an X on the front of that tree."
The foreman thinks to himself, "Idiot! How does he know which is the front of the tree?"

When the Newfie reaches the tree, he goes around it in a circle while looking at the ground. He then reaches up and places a white X on the trunk. He runs back to the foreman and hands him the chalk.
"That is the front of the tree," the Newfie states.

The foreman laughs to himself and asks sarcastically, "How in the world do you know that's the front of the tree?"

The Newfie looks down at this feet, while moving the toe of his left boot clockwise in the gravel, replies, "Cuz someone took a crap behind it."

He got the job...


... more funny jokes, humor and funny pictures at Funniest Jokes Ever

Another hilarious funny jokes website:

Worlds Funniest Pictures  by Newfie Jokes

Smile! - Funny Newfie Joke!

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

“First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector”, says the Coroner.

“Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.”

The Inspector asked, “What of the third body?”

“Ah,” says the coroner. “This is the most unusual one. Jethro, 30, from Newfoundland, struck by lightning.”

“Why is he smiling then?” inquires the Inspector.

“Thought he was having his picture taken.”

... more funny jokes, humor and funny pictures at Funniest Jokes Ever

Another hilarious funny jokes website:

Worlds Funniest Pictures  by Newfie Jokes

One Smart Newfie Logger - Har, Har - Funny!

Newfie decides to travel across Canada to see the Pacific Ocean. When he gets to Nanaimo, he likes the place so much that he decides to stay. But first he must find a job.

He walks into the MacMillan-Bloedel office and fills out an application as an 'experienced' logger. It's his lucky day. They just happen to be looking for someone. But first, the bush foreman takes him for a ride in the bush in the company pickup truck to see how much he knows. The foreman stops the truck on the side of the road and points at a tree.

"See that tree over there? I want you to tell me what species it is and how many board feet of lumber it contains."
The Newfie promptly answers, "It's a Sitka spruce and contains 383 board feet of lumber."

The foreman is impressed. He puts the truck in motion and stops again about a mile down the road. He points at another tree through the passenger door window. and asks the same question. This time, it's a bigger tree of a different class.
"It's a Douglas fir and has 690 board feet," says the Newfie.

Now the foreman is really impressed. The Newfie has answered quickly and got the answers right without even using a calculator! One more test. They drive a little farther down the road, and the foreman stops again. This time, he points across the road through his driver side window.
"And what about that one?"
Before the foreman finishes pointing, the Newfie says, "A cedar, 242 board feet."

The foreman spins the truck around and heads back to the office. He's a little ticked off because he thinks that the Newfie is smarter than he. As they near the office, the foreman stops the truck and asks the Newfie to step outside.

He hands him a piece of chalk and tells him, "See that tree over there. I want you to mark an X on the front of that tree."
The foreman thinks to himself, "Idiot! How does he know which is the front of the tree?"

When the Newfie reaches the tree, he goes around it in a circle while looking at the ground. He then reaches up and places a white X on the trunk. He runs back to the foreman and hands him the chalk.
"That is the front of the tree," the Newfie states.

The foreman laughs to himself and asks sarcastically, "How in the world do you know that's the front of the tree?"

The Newfie looks down at this feet, while moving the toe of his left boot clockwise in the gravel, replies, "Cuz someone took a crap behind it."

He got the job...


... more funny jokes, humor and funny pictures at Funniest Jokes Ever

Another hilarious funny jokes website:

Worlds Funniest Pictures  by Newfie Jokes