Funny Homer Simpson Sayings and Funny Simpsons Picture!

Funny Homer Simpson Quotes!

• All my life I've had one dream, to achieve my many goals.
• But Marge, what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder.
• 'To Start Press Any Key'. Where's the ANY key?
• I'm never going to be disabled. I'm sick of being so healthy.
• Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?
• Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover.
• Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. 14% of people know that.
• Lisa, Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.
• Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
• I'm having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to Church!
• Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
• When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces, I just know they're about to jab me with something.

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Newfoundland Wife Duties

Funny Homer Simpson Picture

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Bridge to North Sydney - Funny Newfie Jokes

Bridge to North Sydney - Funny, Stupid Newfoundland/Labrador Joke by's!!




A Newfie riding his Harley along the TCH just outside of Port aux Basque when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'


The Newfie pulled over and replied, 'Build a bridge to North Sydney so I can ride over anytime I want.'


The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking: the supports required reaching the bottom of the ocean and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'


The Newfie thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy.'


The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes, or four on that bridge?'

Another hilarious funny jokes website:

Worlds Funniest Pictures  by Newfie Jokes

Woman Drivers Hilarious Pic and Funny Jokes! LOL!

Funny Woman Driver Hokes!

Policeman: ‘When I saw you coming round that bend I thought, “Forty-five at least”.’

Woman driver: ‘Well, I always look older in this hat.’

“We bumped into some old friends yesterday, my wife was driving.”

Wife: “There’s trouble with the car. It has water in the carburettor.”

Husband: “Water in the carburettor? That’s plain daft.”

Wife: “I’m telling you the car has water in the carburettor.”

Husband: “Don’t be silly, You don’t even know what a carburettor is. Where’s the car?”

Wife: “In next door’s swimming pool.”

“Nothing confuses a man more than a woman driver who does everything right.”

More funny jokes, hilarious videos, lol pictures at Funniest Jokes Ever!

New Seatbelt Design!
45% Less Car Accidents! LOL!

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Worlds Funniest Pictures  by Newfie Jokes

The Newfie in Space - Anudder Funny Newfee Joke

There was a newfie, an irishman and a frenchman that volunteered to go up in a space ship for 10 years. NASA asked each one what they would like a 10 year supply of.

The Irishman replied "I would love to have a 10 year supply of all the best whiskey!"

The Frenchman replied "I would love to have a 10 year supply of all the best food in the world!"

Then the Newfie replied "Smokes! I gotta have my smokes!"

So NASA packed them up and sent them off and then 10 years later they retured.

They asked each of them how they liked their things. The Irishman replied "Oh, I was drunk every second night!" and the Frenchman replied "Oh, I ate like a little pig!" and then the Newfie replied "Uh, gotta light?"

More funny Jokes at Worlds Funniest Jokes and Pictures

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Worlds Funniest Pictures  by Newfie Jokes

Funny Polar Bear Picture - Watch For Ice

How do you figure this polar bear would know to be careful with the sign pointing in that direction? Well, even if it was... polar bears can't read anyway.. lol

This picture of the polar bear slipping on the ice is very funny just the same.

Another hilarious funny jokes website:

Worlds Funniest Pictures  by Newfie Jokes

Smart Logger - Funny Newfie Joke

Newfie decides to travel across Canada to see the Pacific Ocean. When he gets to Nanaimo, he likes the place so much that he decides to stay. But first he must find a job.

He walks into the MacMillan-Bloedel office and fills out an application as an 'experienced' logger. It's his lucky day. They just happen to be looking for someone. But first, the bush foreman takes him for a ride in the bush in the company pickup truck to see how much he knows. The foreman stops the truck on the side of the road and points at a tree.

"See that tree over there? I want you to tell me what species it is and how many board feet of lumber it contains."
The Newfie promptly answers, "It's a Sitka spruce and contains 383 board feet of lumber."

The foreman is impressed. He puts the truck in motion and stops again about a mile down the road. He points at another tree through the passenger door window. and asks the same question. This time, it's a bigger tree of a different class.
"It's a Douglas fir and has 690 board feet," says the Newfie.

Now the foreman is really impressed. The Newfie has answered quickly and got the answers right without even using a calculator! One more test. They drive a little farther down the road, and the foreman stops again. This time, he points across the road through his driver side window.
"And what about that one?"
Before the foreman finishes pointing, the Newfie says, "A cedar, 242 board feet."

The foreman spins the truck around and heads back to the office. He's a little ticked off because he thinks that the Newfie is smarter than he. As they near the office, the foreman stops the truck and asks the Newfie to step outside.

He hands him a piece of chalk and tells him, "See that tree over there. I want you to mark an X on the front of that tree."
The foreman thinks to himself, "Idiot! How does he know which is the front of the tree?"

When the Newfie reaches the tree, he goes around it in a circle while looking at the ground. He then reaches up and places a white X on the trunk. He runs back to the foreman and hands him the chalk.
"That is the front of the tree," the Newfie states.

The foreman laughs to himself and asks sarcastically, "How in the world do you know that's the front of the tree?"

The Newfie looks down at this feet, while moving the toe of his left boot clockwise in the gravel, replies, "Cuz someone took a crap behind it."

He got the job...


... more funny jokes, humor and funny pictures at Funniest Jokes Ever

Another hilarious funny jokes website:

Worlds Funniest Pictures  by Newfie Jokes

Test for Fortune - Funny Newfie Joke

A Newfie saw an ad in the newspaper that said; "Pass test and inherit my fortune."

He went to the address the paper gave.
And when he got there, he was greeted, and the test was explained.
The old man, who was giving his fortune away, said; "So you want my fortune.
Well all you have to do is preform three tasks.

First. Go into room #1, drink the keg of rum that is inside, then go into the second room and rustle the bear inside to the ground. After that, go into the third room and take the fur coat off the old lady inside it."

The Newfie said; "Ok, sounds easy."

So the Newfie went in the first room and drank the rum, no problem.

Then he entered the second room, but an hour later, still didn't come out.

The old man started to worry, so he was just about to open the door, when the Newfie opened it, and walked out with fur in both of his hands.

Breathing hard, he said; "I had a hard time finding the zipper."

Another hilarious funny jokes website:

Worlds Funniest Pictures  by Newfie Jokes

Winter Approaches - Even the Geese Know it!

Yes, the days are getting colder. Frosty mornings and colorful trees are plain signs that the winter is fast approaching! Oh yeah, this is another good sign, right here! The geese are bundling up for a long, cold winter too!

Another hilarious funny jokes website:

Worlds Funniest Pictures  by Newfie Jokes

Smile! - Funny Newfie Joke!

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

“First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector”, says the Coroner.

“Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.”

The Inspector asked, “What of the third body?”

“Ah,” says the coroner. “This is the most unusual one. Jethro, 30, from Newfoundland, struck by lightning.”

“Why is he smiling then?” inquires the Inspector.

“Thought he was having his picture taken.”

... more funny jokes, humor and funny pictures at Funniest Jokes Ever

Another hilarious funny jokes website:

Worlds Funniest Pictures  by Newfie Jokes

Biblical Quotations

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners in Grand Bank. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote

"Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message,

"Genesis 3:10."
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."
Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."

Another hilarious funny jokes website:

Worlds Funniest Pictures  by Newfie Jokes

Couple of good newfie jokes

Its ben' a while since I've had a chance to post some good Newfoundland jokes on here.

Ere's a couple of real funny ones to make up fer lost time!

---

Newfies Make Good Astronauts, eh!

Q: Why do Newfies make good astronauts?

A: They took up space in school.

---

Did you hear about the Newfie who was ecstatic
that he finished a jigsaw puzzle in 87 days?

On the box it said three to five years.

Another hilarious funny jokes website:

Worlds Funniest Pictures  by Newfie Jokes

Funny Newfoundland Joke - Fascinate or Fasten Eight?

There were three newfies interviewing for the same job.

They had scheduled appointments one after the other.

The first Newfie was called into the office, and was told that all he had to do was answer a skill testing question.

So he said; "ok, what is it?"

The interviewer said; "I would like you to make a question using the word 'sweater'."

The Newfie said "ok, my mother........knitted me...... a nice sweater."

The interviewer said "Very good. I will get back to you."

As the Newfie was leaving he was told to send the next Newfie in.

So, when they met, the second Newfie asked the first one what he had to do.

So the first one said that he had to make a sentence using the word "sweater" in it.

So, the second the Newfie walked into the interviewing room, he said; "My mother knitted me a nice sweater!"

The interviewer was suspicious, so when the third Newfie came in he said; "I would like you to make a sentence using the word 'fascinate'."

He said; "My mother.....knitted me a nice sweater........ with ten buttons.....but I can only fasten eight.

... more funny jokes, humor and funny pictures at Funniest Jokes Ever

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Worlds Funniest Pictures  by Newfie Jokes

Newfie Follower

A Newfie was hired on in a warehouse in Toronto. On his first day on the job he was approached by a Caper. "Hi Newf" the Caper said, want me to show you how to get the day off? The Newf was all ears.
"Sure," he said.

With that the Caper pushed a ladder against the wall and climbed to the top, grabbed a rafter, shimmied to the middle of the room and hung there till the foreman came along.

The foreman spotted the guy hanging from the ceiling and asked what he was doing. The Caper replied "hey I'm a light bulb, you need me".
The foreman shook his head and shouted. "Come down from there and go home for the day. Get a good rest and come back tomorrow".
The Caper climbed down and headed for the door.
The Newfie followed behind him.

"Hey" the foreman shouted, "Where do you think you're going Newf?"
The Newf replied, "I ain't working in the dark".

Another hilarious funny jokes website:

Worlds Funniest Pictures  by Newfie Jokes

Signs You Might Be a Newfie Jedi

You might be a Newfie Jedi if.....
------------------------------------------------

1.You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be witt ya by*'."

2. Your Jedi robe is made of seal skin.

3. You have ever used your light saber to quarter a moose.

4. Both wings of your X-Wing are done over with sheet metal and rivets and are covered with polybond.

5. You have ever eaten bottled Ewok.

6. You have ever used a land-speeder to get away from wildlife officers.

7. The best part of spending time on Dagobah is the great weather.

8. Even CP-3O cannot understand what you are saying.

9. You have used Jedi mind tricks to help you drag off someone from the Sundance (Bar on George Street) and Breezeway (University Bar).

10. You have ever used the force to convince a Human Resources Canada officer to give you unemployment insurance checks.

11. Your father has ever said to you, "Come on by' son, come on over 'ere to the dark side and have a Black Horse (Newfoundland brewed beer) witt yer old man."

12. You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to scare off mosquitoes on May 24 weekend.

13. You have ever used the Millennium Falcon to smuggle booze and cigarettes from St. Pierre (Island belonging to France just of southern nf coast).

14. You have a Newfoundland dog painted on the hood of your land-speeder.

15. You think Andy Wells (St. John's mayor) and Brian Tobin (nf premier) are part of the dark side of the force.

16. You have ever fantasized about Danielle House wearing her hair like Princess Leia.+

17. You have a trailer hitch on the back of your land speeder for hauling your trailer to gravel pits.

18. Chewbacca is the lead of your dog sled team.

19. You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with snowmobile skis.

20. You were the only person drinking Newfie Screech during the cantina scene.

21. If you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father ... tell me what the hell your mother's getting on with by'?!"

Another hilarious funny jokes website:

Worlds Funniest Pictures  by Newfie Jokes

Newfie Pizza - Anudder Funny One!

Q: A Newfie ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut in six or twelve pieces.

A: "Six, please, I could never eat twelve pieces," replied the Newfie.


... more funny jokes, humor and funny pictures at Funniest Jokes Ever

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Worlds Funniest Pictures  by Newfie Jokes

Ice Fishing

Did you hear about the Newfie who went ice fishing?
He caught fifty pounds of ice and his wife drowned trying to cook.

How many Newfies does it take to go ice fishing?
Four. One to cut a hole in the ice and three to push the boat through.

Another hilarious funny jokes website:

Worlds Funniest Pictures  by Newfie Jokes

Smile! - Another One of Those SILLY Newfie Jokes!

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

“First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector”, says the Coroner.

“Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.”

The Inspector asked, “What of the third body?”

“Ah,” says the coroner. “This is the most unusual one. Jethro, 30, from Newfoundland, struck by lightning.”

“Why is he smiling then?” inquires the Inspector.

“Thought he was having his picture taken.”

Another hilarious funny jokes website:

Worlds Funniest Pictures  by Newfie Jokes

You know your from Newfoundland when....

- You only know three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup.
- You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
- The mosquitoes have landing lights.
- You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.
- You have 10 favourite recipes for bottled moose.
- Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
- You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground.
- You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
- Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
- You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.
- You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
- The local paper covers national and international headlines on 1/4 page, but requires 6 pages for local softball scores.
- At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
- The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
- Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.
- You think the start of salmon fishing season is a national holiday.
- You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck.
- You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
- You find -40C a little nippy.
- The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze.
- You can play road hockey on skates.
- You know 4 seasons - Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction.
- The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
- You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Newfie friends.

---

Another hilarious funny jokes website:

Worlds Funniest Pictures  by Newfie Jokes

Ten Dollars Worth

Walking up to a fruit orchard stand, the Newfie asked, “How much do you charge for apples?”

“All you can pick for five bucks.”

“OK,” said the Newfie, reaching into his pocket, “I'll take ten dollars worth.”

Another hilarious funny jokes website:

Worlds Funniest Pictures  by Newfie Jokes

Showing A Horse - Funny Newfie Joke

There was a guy he walked into this bar. On the door it read "If you can make my horse laugh then I will give you $50".

So he walked up to the bar tender and said I can make your horse laugh. So he went out in the back alley and came back and the horse was laughing. So the bar tender said a deal is a deal and gave him his $50.

Then about three months later the same guy came back into this bar and say a sign on the door it read: If you can make my horse cry then I will give you $50.

So he walked up to the bar tender and said I can make your horse laugh. So he went in to the back alley and made the horse cry. He came back in and the bar tender said a deal is a deal but first tell me how you hade my horse laugh and cry. He said to make him laugh I told him mine is bigger than his. To make him cry I showed him!

Another hilarious funny jokes website:

Worlds Funniest Pictures  by Newfie Jokes