Newfie Jokes in Newfie Slang!

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Showing posts with label joke. Show all posts
Showing posts with label joke. Show all posts

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Why Newfoundland did not Join Iraq War

Here are some good reasons Newfoundland did not join da' Iraq war by's..

10. We fellers got no ways of gettin' over der', unless we had a yammy dat' traveled on water!

9. Too busy hunting turrs and tailin' slips to catch rabbits.

8. Dim Iraqis don't like Canadian by's.

7.Did ya know Saddam's name turned around is "Mad Ass". Dat's funny!

6. No moose to shoot over der'.

5.  No Newfie music over der' on da' radio... and no Newfie jokes!!

4. Me troutin' license is no good over der.

3. Hockey Night in Canada is in Iraqi language.

2. We needs our army right here in case of another snow storm.

1. We all has to go in da' woods to cut wood fer next winter.

Another hilarious funny jokes website:

Friday, October 7, 2011

The Newfie and the Rabbit

A Mainlander was driving down the highway and he ran over a rabbit. Wondering what had happened, he stopped his car and got out to look. As he is standing there, looking at the dead rabbit, a Newfie drives by. The Newfie, wondering if he can help, stops and asks the Mainlander what's up.

Mainlander: "I'm here visiting your fair province and I seem to have killed one of your land rodents."

Newfie looks down and sees the dead rabbit.

Newfie: "No problem, b'y. Hang'er down a few."

Newfie goes to his truck and returns with an aerosol spray can. He empties the spray over the rabbit. He then chucks the empty can into the ditch and sez "There ya go, me son. Enjoy yer stay." He gets in his truck and is gone.

The rabbit gets up, hops 10 feet towards the woods, turns around and waves, hops 10 feet, turns around and waves, hops 10 feet and he's gone into the woods.

The Mainlander was astounded!! Wondering what the Newfie did, he got the can out of the ditch and read the label, which said: "Hair spray. Gauranteed to bring dead hair back to life with a permanent wave"

Another hilarious funny jokes website:

Thursday, October 6, 2011

You know you're from Newfoundland when...

- You only know three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup.
- You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
- The mosquitoes have landing lights.
- You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.
- You have 10 favourite recipes for bottled moose.
- Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
- You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground.
- You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
- Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
- You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.
- You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
- The local paper covers national and international headlines on 1/4 page, but requires 6 pages for local softball scores.
- At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
- The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
- Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.
- You think the start of salmon fishing season is a national holiday.
- You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck.
- You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
- You find -40C a little nippy.
- The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze.
- You can play road hockey on skates.
- You know 4 seasons - Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction.
- The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
- You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Newfie friends.

Another hilarious funny jokes website:

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

The Airport Ride - George & Aggie - Funny Newfie Joke



George & Aggie were in Boston for the first time to visit their son and family. As they reached the front door of the terminal they hail a taxi , and got in. As they headed for the city the driver, making some small talk, asks them where they are from? Aggie asks George "WHAT'D HE SAY GEORGE?". The old skipper leans over and yells in her ear,"HE ASKED WHERE WE'RE FROM!". Then the old skipper says to the driver "We're from Stephenville"."Oh" says the driver,"I was stationed there when I was in the airforce". Again Aggie pipes up "WHATS THE FELLA SAYING NOW GEORGE..WHAT'D HE SAY"."HE SAYS HE'S BEEN THERE". "I see" says Aggie. They drive along in silence for a while when the driver
says,"You know I went with a girl when I was there, and she was the meanest most disagreeable hag I ever hooked up with"."WHATS HE SAYING NOW GEORGE ..I CAN'T HEAR HIM'.

The old skipper yells back,"HE THINKS HE KNOWS YA".

Another hilarious funny jokes website:

Monday, October 3, 2011

Newfie on the Patch - Funny Newfoundland Joke

Two newfies are in a car enjoying a bottle of black horse, when a cop pulls them over. The newfie in the passenger seat says "He's got us now by, what are we gonna do?"
The driver says they have nothing to worry about and tells him to follow his lead and say nothing.
The driver peals the lable off the bottle of beer, licks the back of it, sticks it to his forehead, and puts the bottle under his seat--the passenger follows suit. The police officer approaches the drivers window and asks for his licence and registration.
As the driver gives the officer his info the officer asks whether he or the passenger had been drinking at all that night, at which point the driver points to his forehead and responds, "Oh no sir, we's on da patch ya see!".

Another hilarious funny jokes website:

Friday, September 30, 2011

Newfoundland Job Applicants

A young man named Mike applied for an engineering position at a Newfoundland firm based in St, Johns. A Mainlander applied for the same job and both applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the department manager. Upon completion of the test both men had only missed one of the questions.

The manager went to Mike and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the Mainlander the job."

"And why would you be doing that?" asked Mike. "We both get 9 questions correct. This bein' the rock and me being a Newfie, I should get the jab!"

"We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed."

"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"

"Simple," replied the manager. "On question # 5, the Mainlander put down, 'I don't know.' You put down 'Needer do I.'"

Another hilarious funny jokes website:

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Smart Logger - Funny Newfie Joke

Newfie decides to travel across Canada to see the Pacific Ocean. When he gets to Nanaimo, he likes the place so much that he decides to stay. But first he must find a job.

He walks into the MacMillan-Bloedel office and fills out an application as an 'experienced' logger. It's his lucky day. They just happen to be looking for someone. But first, the bush foreman takes him for a ride in the bush in the company pickup truck to see how much he knows. The foreman stops the truck on the side of the road and points at a tree.

"See that tree over there? I want you to tell me what species it is and how many board feet of lumber it contains."
The Newfie promptly answers, "It's a Sitka spruce and contains 383 board feet of lumber."

The foreman is impressed. He puts the truck in motion and stops again about a mile down the road. He points at another tree through the passenger door window. and asks the same question. This time, it's a bigger tree of a different class.
"It's a Douglas fir and has 690 board feet," says the Newfie.

Now the foreman is really impressed. The Newfie has answered quickly and got the answers right without even using a calculator! One more test. They drive a little farther down the road, and the foreman stops again. This time, he points across the road through his driver side window.
"And what about that one?"
Before the foreman finishes pointing, the Newfie says, "A cedar, 242 board feet."

The foreman spins the truck around and heads back to the office. He's a little ticked off because he thinks that the Newfie is smarter than he. As they near the office, the foreman stops the truck and asks the Newfie to step outside.

He hands him a piece of chalk and tells him, "See that tree over there. I want you to mark an X on the front of that tree."
The foreman thinks to himself, "Idiot! How does he know which is the front of the tree?"

When the Newfie reaches the tree, he goes around it in a circle while looking at the ground. He then reaches up and places a white X on the trunk. He runs back to the foreman and hands him the chalk.
"That is the front of the tree," the Newfie states.

The foreman laughs to himself and asks sarcastically, "How in the world do you know that's the front of the tree?"

The Newfie looks down at this feet, while moving the toe of his left boot clockwise in the gravel, replies, "Cuz someone took a crap behind it."

He got the job...



... more funny jokes, humor and funny pictures at Funniest Jokes Ever

Another hilarious funny jokes website:

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Smile! - Funny Newfie Joke!




Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

“First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector”, says the Coroner.

“Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.”

The Inspector asked, “What of the third body?”

“Ah,” says the coroner. “This is the most unusual one. Jethro, 30, from Newfoundland, struck by lightning.”

“Why is he smiling then?” inquires the Inspector.

“Thought he was having his picture taken.”

... more funny jokes, humor and funny pictures at Funniest Jokes Ever

Another hilarious funny jokes website:

Sunday, September 28, 2008

One Smart Newfie Logger - Har, Har - Funny!




Newfie decides to travel across Canada to see the Pacific Ocean. When he gets to Nanaimo, he likes the place so much that he decides to stay. But first he must find a job.

He walks into the MacMillan-Bloedel office and fills out an application as an 'experienced' logger. It's his lucky day. They just happen to be looking for someone. But first, the bush foreman takes him for a ride in the bush in the company pickup truck to see how much he knows. The foreman stops the truck on the side of the road and points at a tree.

"See that tree over there? I want you to tell me what species it is and how many board feet of lumber it contains."
The Newfie promptly answers, "It's a Sitka spruce and contains 383 board feet of lumber."

The foreman is impressed. He puts the truck in motion and stops again about a mile down the road. He points at another tree through the passenger door window. and asks the same question. This time, it's a bigger tree of a different class.
"It's a Douglas fir and has 690 board feet," says the Newfie.

Now the foreman is really impressed. The Newfie has answered quickly and got the answers right without even using a calculator! One more test. They drive a little farther down the road, and the foreman stops again. This time, he points across the road through his driver side window.
"And what about that one?"
Before the foreman finishes pointing, the Newfie says, "A cedar, 242 board feet."

The foreman spins the truck around and heads back to the office. He's a little ticked off because he thinks that the Newfie is smarter than he. As they near the office, the foreman stops the truck and asks the Newfie to step outside.

He hands him a piece of chalk and tells him, "See that tree over there. I want you to mark an X on the front of that tree."
The foreman thinks to himself, "Idiot! How does he know which is the front of the tree?"

When the Newfie reaches the tree, he goes around it in a circle while looking at the ground. He then reaches up and places a white X on the trunk. He runs back to the foreman and hands him the chalk.
"That is the front of the tree," the Newfie states.

The foreman laughs to himself and asks sarcastically, "How in the world do you know that's the front of the tree?"

The Newfie looks down at this feet, while moving the toe of his left boot clockwise in the gravel, replies, "Cuz someone took a crap behind it."

He got the job...


... more funny jokes, humor and funny pictures at Funniest Jokes Ever

Another hilarious funny jokes website:

Saturday, June 7, 2008

Newfie Joke - Dead Rabbit




A Mainlander was driving down the highway and he ran over a rabbit. Wondering what had happened, he stopped his car and got out to look. As he is standing there, looking at the dead rabbit, a Newfie drives by. The Newfie, wondering if he can help, stops and asks the Mainlander what's up.

Mainlander I'm here visiting your fair province and I seem to have killed one of your land rodents.

Newfie looks down and sees the dead rabbit.

Newfie No problem, b'y. Hang'er down a few.

Newfie goes to his truck and returns with an aerosol spray can. He empties the spray over the rabbit. He then chucks the empty can into the ditch and sez There ya go, me son. Enjoy yer stay. He gets in his truck and is gone.

The rabbit gets up, hops 10 feet towards the woods, turns around and waves, hops 10 feet, turns around and waves, hops 10 feet and he's gone into the woods.

The Mainlander was astounded!! Wondering what the Newfie did, he got the can out of the ditch and read the label, which said Hair spray. Gauranteed to bring dead hair back to life with a permanent wave.

Another hilarious funny jokes website:

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Newfie Horse




A feller from St. John's drove his car into a ditch out around da bay. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.

He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

"Well... Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

Another hilarious funny jokes website:

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Newfie Job Interview

A Newfie went into the fish market to apply for a job.

The boss thought to himself, "I'm not hiring that newf", so he decided to set a test for the Newfie hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.

The first question was, "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
Newfie says, "Dat's easy" and proceeds to draw three trees.
The boss says, "What in the world is that?"
Newfie says, "Tree 'n tree 'n tree makes nine."
"Fair enough" says the boss.

"Second question, same rules, but represent 99".
Newfie stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree.
"Der ya go bye," he says.
The boss scratches his head and asks, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
Newfie answers, "Each tree is dirty now, so it's dirty tree 'n dirty tree 'n dirty tree - dat 99."

The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire the newf so he says, "All right, question number 3. Same rules again, but this time represent the number 100."
Newfie stares into space again, then he shouts, "I got it!" He makes a little mark at the base
of each tree and says, "Der ya go sir -100."
The boss looks at Newfie's attempt and thinks, "Ha! got him this time."
He then tells Newfie, "Go on, Newfie, you must be crazy if you think that represents a 100."
Newfie leans forward and points to the little marks at the tree bases and says, "A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now ya got dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, and dirty tree an' a turd, which makes 100. When do I start me job?"

... more funny jokes, humor and funny pictures at Funniest Jokes Ever

Another hilarious funny jokes website:

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Newfie Pizza - Anudder Funny One!




Q: A Newfie ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut in six or twelve pieces.

A: "Six, please, I could never eat twelve pieces," replied the Newfie.


... more funny jokes, humor and funny pictures at Funniest Jokes Ever

Another hilarious funny jokes website:

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Smile! - Another One of Those SILLY Newfie Jokes!




Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

“First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector”, says the Coroner.

“Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.”

The Inspector asked, “What of the third body?”

“Ah,” says the coroner. “This is the most unusual one. Jethro, 30, from Newfoundland, struck by lightning.”

“Why is he smiling then?” inquires the Inspector.

“Thought he was having his picture taken.”

Another hilarious funny jokes website:

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

First Newf in Toronto - HaHaHa!!!




Q: How did the first Newfie get to Toronto?

A: A bunch of Newfies were playing hockey on the frozen-over Gulf of St. Lawrence, and one guy got a breakaway.

Another hilarious funny jokes website:

Thursday, March 6, 2008

Cross-Eyed Bull - Newfie Vet's "Proctocol" Remedy




Garge owned the largest bull in Newfoundland, weighing over 3,800 pounds. The bull was a very majestic animal and was the talk of the town. Only problem was that the bull was cross-eyed and kept stumbling into things.

Garge called the town veterinarian and asked him to come out and see if something could be done to improve the bull's eyesight. The next morning, the vet showed up with a 5-foot piece of rubber hose.

"What are you gonna do with that piece of hose, Doc," asked Garge.
The vet replied, "You tie up that bull to the fence, then I think I can fix your problem".

After the bull was tied up, the vet went to the back of the bull and shoved one end of the hose up the bull's rear end. Then he proceeded to blow into the other end of the hose. Watching from the front, Garge saw the bull's eyes go bug-eyed and almost straighten out, but not quite.

After several vain attempts, Garge said, "Let me try, Doc". Then Garge pulled the hose out of the bull, and stuck the other end of the hose in the bull.

The vet shouted, "Why'd you do that?"

Garge replied, "You don't think I'm gonna put my mouth on the end you had your mouth on, do you?"


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Another hilarious funny jokes website:

Monday, March 3, 2008

Cheer UP!!! -- LoL - This is Funny!




[Two old Newfie friends meet at the mall…]

NEWF: “Why do you look so sad?”
Jack: “I’ve just come from the doctor. I not only have heart trouble, but I also have arthritis, high blood pressure, diabetes and a brain tumor. Any day now, I’m likely to die.”
NEWF: “It could be worse.”

Jack: “That’s what you think. My bank tells me they are going to foreclose on my mortgage. I’m bankrupt – broke.”
NEWF: “It could be worse.”

Jack: “Not only that, but my wife is suing me for divorce and intends to take the children.”
NEWF: “Well, it could be worse.”

Jack: “How could it be worse – there’s no way it could be worse…”
NEWF: “It could be me!”

Another hilarious funny jokes website:

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Lunch Box - Funny Newf Joke




There once was three people, an Italian, a Frenchman, and a newfie. they were construction people and were working on a building 80m high. They always had lunch on top of the building. So the Italian opens up his lunch and gets a tuna sandwich. He says, " Oh I hate tuna sandwiches, If I get a tuna sandwich again tomorrow, I'm going to jump off this building" Then the French opens up his lunch and gets a bologna sandwich. He says "If I get a bologna sandwich again, I'm going to jump off this building" Then the newfie opens up his lunch and gets a ham sandwich. He says " If I gets another ham sandwich, I'm wit you two." So the next day, the Italian gets a tuna sandwich and jumps off the building. The French gets a bologna sandwich and the newfie gets a ham sandwich and they both jump off the building. Later on, at there funeral the French and Italians wife's were crying and say" If they didn't like that kind of sandwich, they could have told us, but the Newfieswife wasn't crying, she was laughing . The Italian and French's wife ask the Newfies wife why she isn't sad at all. She says, "Why, he makes his own!

Another hilarious funny jokes website:

Monday, January 21, 2008

Mouse Calibration - This is Hilarious!




MOUSE CALIBRATION

This really works.
Is your mouse calibrated?
You should do this every few days. More often if you spend a lot of time on the computer. I was shocked to see that this works!
To re-calibrate your mouse, click and hold on the Y below. Then drag the Y toward the g If it doesn't work, you might want to clean your mouse.
Y ou dumb ass. You'll believe g anythin g
I'M SURE YOU WILL SEND THIS ALONG TO YOUR FRIENDS


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Tuesday, December 18, 2007

FUNNY Booze/Beer WARNING Labels




WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.


WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.


Remember by's, if ya drinks, DON'T DRIVE. Take a cab or git one of these designated drivers tingmajiggers. 'Ave a safe and happy Christmas!

... more funny jokes, humor and funny pictures at Funniest Jokes Ever

Another hilarious funny jokes website:
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