Smile! - Another One of Those SILLY Newfie Jokes!

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

“First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector”, says the Coroner.

“Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.”

The Inspector asked, “What of the third body?”

“Ah,” says the coroner. “This is the most unusual one. Jethro, 30, from Newfoundland, struck by lightning.”

“Why is he smiling then?” inquires the Inspector.

“Thought he was having his picture taken.”

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I Follow Tracks... I Get Hit By Train...

An Irishman, an Englishman, and a Newfie had decided to go on a hunting trip and were staying in a cabin in the woods.
They decided to go hunting one at a time, while the other two stayed and guarded the cabin.
The Irishman goes out first and comes back with a fox.
He says, very simply, "I see tracks, I follow tracks, I catch fox.".
Then the Englishman goes out and comes back with a rabbit.
He says, "I see tracks, I follow tracks, I catch rabbit.".
Then it was the Newfie's turn.
He goes out and comes back limping and badly beaten up.
He says, "I see tracks, I follow tracks, I get hit by train."

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First Newf in Toronto - HaHaHa!!!

Q: How did the first Newfie get to Toronto?

A: A bunch of Newfies were playing hockey on the frozen-over Gulf of St. Lawrence, and one guy got a breakaway.

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You know your from Newfoundland when....

- You only know three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup.
- You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
- The mosquitoes have landing lights.
- You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.
- You have 10 favourite recipes for bottled moose.
- Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
- You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground.
- You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
- Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
- You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.
- You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
- The local paper covers national and international headlines on 1/4 page, but requires 6 pages for local softball scores.
- At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
- The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
- Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.
- You think the start of salmon fishing season is a national holiday.
- You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck.
- You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
- You find -40C a little nippy.
- The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze.
- You can play road hockey on skates.
- You know 4 seasons - Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction.
- The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
- You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Newfie friends.

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Ten Dollars Worth

Walking up to a fruit orchard stand, the Newfie asked, “How much do you charge for apples?”

“All you can pick for five bucks.”

“OK,” said the Newfie, reaching into his pocket, “I'll take ten dollars worth.”

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Showing A Horse - Funny Newfie Joke

There was a guy he walked into this bar. On the door it read "If you can make my horse laugh then I will give you $50".

So he walked up to the bar tender and said I can make your horse laugh. So he went out in the back alley and came back and the horse was laughing. So the bar tender said a deal is a deal and gave him his $50.

Then about three months later the same guy came back into this bar and say a sign on the door it read: If you can make my horse cry then I will give you $50.

So he walked up to the bar tender and said I can make your horse laugh. So he went in to the back alley and made the horse cry. He came back in and the bar tender said a deal is a deal but first tell me how you hade my horse laugh and cry. He said to make him laugh I told him mine is bigger than his. To make him cry I showed him!

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Cross-Eyed Bull - Newfie Vet's "Proctocol" Remedy

Garge owned the largest bull in Newfoundland, weighing over 3,800 pounds. The bull was a very majestic animal and was the talk of the town. Only problem was that the bull was cross-eyed and kept stumbling into things.

Garge called the town veterinarian and asked him to come out and see if something could be done to improve the bull's eyesight. The next morning, the vet showed up with a 5-foot piece of rubber hose.

"What are you gonna do with that piece of hose, Doc," asked Garge.
The vet replied, "You tie up that bull to the fence, then I think I can fix your problem".

After the bull was tied up, the vet went to the back of the bull and shoved one end of the hose up the bull's rear end. Then he proceeded to blow into the other end of the hose. Watching from the front, Garge saw the bull's eyes go bug-eyed and almost straighten out, but not quite.

After several vain attempts, Garge said, "Let me try, Doc". Then Garge pulled the hose out of the bull, and stuck the other end of the hose in the bull.

The vet shouted, "Why'd you do that?"

Garge replied, "You don't think I'm gonna put my mouth on the end you had your mouth on, do you?"

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Cheer UP!!! -- LoL - This is Funny!

[Two old Newfie friends meet at the mall…]

NEWF: “Why do you look so sad?”
Jack: “I’ve just come from the doctor. I not only have heart trouble, but I also have arthritis, high blood pressure, diabetes and a brain tumor. Any day now, I’m likely to die.”
NEWF: “It could be worse.”

Jack: “That’s what you think. My bank tells me they are going to foreclose on my mortgage. I’m bankrupt – broke.”
NEWF: “It could be worse.”

Jack: “Not only that, but my wife is suing me for divorce and intends to take the children.”
NEWF: “Well, it could be worse.”

Jack: “How could it be worse – there’s no way it could be worse…”
NEWF: “It could be me!”

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