Newfie Jokes in Newfie Slang!

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Saturday, March 29, 2008

Half-Way Poles - Newfie Joke!

There were two teams of telephone pole installers.

A team of Americans and a team of Newfies.

Their supervisor went up to them and said, “I’m sorry to say this, but we’ve had budget cuts and one team has to go. For the next three days we’re going to have a contest. The team that installs the most poles stays and the other one goes.”

At the end of the first day both teams went to their supervisor and reported their numbers. The American team put in 20 and the Newfies, 15.

At the end of the second day the Americans had put in 45 and the Newfies had only put in 30.

On the third and final day the Americans put in 50 poles and the Newfies got 35 in.

Their supervisor went up to them and said, “Well I’m sorry to be the one to do this but the American team got more poles in so you Newfies have to go.” The Newfies looked very upset and cheated and one of them said, “No fair, they were only putting their poles in half way!”

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Thursday, March 27, 2008

True Story !

George Phillips of Grand Falls, NFLD was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police and told them that there were burglars in his shed.

The officer asked, "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no".

The officer replied that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all."

Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an armed response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence.

Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

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Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Newfie Pizza - Anudder Funny One!

Q: A Newfie ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut in six or twelve pieces.

A: "Six, please, I could never eat twelve pieces," replied the Newfie.

... more funny jokes, humor and funny pictures at Funniest Jokes Ever

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Sunday, March 23, 2008

Ice Fishing

Did you hear about the Newfie who went ice fishing?
He caught fifty pounds of ice and his wife drowned trying to cook.

How many Newfies does it take to go ice fishing?
Four. One to cut a hole in the ice and three to push the boat through.

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Smile! - Another One of Those SILLY Newfie Jokes!

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

“First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector”, says the Coroner.

“Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.”

The Inspector asked, “What of the third body?”

“Ah,” says the coroner. “This is the most unusual one. Jethro, 30, from Newfoundland, struck by lightning.”

“Why is he smiling then?” inquires the Inspector.

“Thought he was having his picture taken.”

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Friday, March 21, 2008

I Follow Tracks... I Get Hit By Train...

An Irishman, an Englishman, and a Newfie had decided to go on a hunting trip and were staying in a cabin in the woods.
They decided to go hunting one at a time, while the other two stayed and guarded the cabin.
The Irishman goes out first and comes back with a fox.
He says, very simply, "I see tracks, I follow tracks, I catch fox.".
Then the Englishman goes out and comes back with a rabbit.
He says, "I see tracks, I follow tracks, I catch rabbit.".
Then it was the Newfie's turn.
He goes out and comes back limping and badly beaten up.
He says, "I see tracks, I follow tracks, I get hit by train."

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Tuesday, March 18, 2008

First Newf in Toronto - HaHaHa!!!

Q: How did the first Newfie get to Toronto?

A: A bunch of Newfies were playing hockey on the frozen-over Gulf of St. Lawrence, and one guy got a breakaway.

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Sunday, March 16, 2008

You know your from Newfoundland when....

- You only know three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup.
- You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
- The mosquitoes have landing lights.
- You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.
- You have 10 favourite recipes for bottled moose.
- Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
- You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground.
- You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
- Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
- You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.
- You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
- The local paper covers national and international headlines on 1/4 page, but requires 6 pages for local softball scores.
- At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
- The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
- Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.
- You think the start of salmon fishing season is a national holiday.
- You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck.
- You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
- You find -40C a little nippy.
- The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze.
- You can play road hockey on skates.
- You know 4 seasons - Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction.
- The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
- You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Newfie friends.

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Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Ten Dollars Worth

Walking up to a fruit orchard stand, the Newfie asked, “How much do you charge for apples?”

“All you can pick for five bucks.”

“OK,” said the Newfie, reaching into his pocket, “I'll take ten dollars worth.”

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Saturday, March 8, 2008

Showing A Horse - Funny Newfie Joke

There was a guy he walked into this bar. On the door it read "If you can make my horse laugh then I will give you $50".

So he walked up to the bar tender and said I can make your horse laugh. So he went out in the back alley and came back and the horse was laughing. So the bar tender said a deal is a deal and gave him his $50.

Then about three months later the same guy came back into this bar and say a sign on the door it read: If you can make my horse cry then I will give you $50.

So he walked up to the bar tender and said I can make your horse laugh. So he went in to the back alley and made the horse cry. He came back in and the bar tender said a deal is a deal but first tell me how you hade my horse laugh and cry. He said to make him laugh I told him mine is bigger than his. To make him cry I showed him!

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Thursday, March 6, 2008

Cross-Eyed Bull - Newfie Vet's "Proctocol" Remedy

Garge owned the largest bull in Newfoundland, weighing over 3,800 pounds. The bull was a very majestic animal and was the talk of the town. Only problem was that the bull was cross-eyed and kept stumbling into things.

Garge called the town veterinarian and asked him to come out and see if something could be done to improve the bull's eyesight. The next morning, the vet showed up with a 5-foot piece of rubber hose.

"What are you gonna do with that piece of hose, Doc," asked Garge.
The vet replied, "You tie up that bull to the fence, then I think I can fix your problem".

After the bull was tied up, the vet went to the back of the bull and shoved one end of the hose up the bull's rear end. Then he proceeded to blow into the other end of the hose. Watching from the front, Garge saw the bull's eyes go bug-eyed and almost straighten out, but not quite.

After several vain attempts, Garge said, "Let me try, Doc". Then Garge pulled the hose out of the bull, and stuck the other end of the hose in the bull.

The vet shouted, "Why'd you do that?"

Garge replied, "You don't think I'm gonna put my mouth on the end you had your mouth on, do you?"

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Monday, March 3, 2008

Cheer UP!!! -- LoL - This is Funny!

[Two old Newfie friends meet at the mall…]

NEWF: “Why do you look so sad?”
Jack: “I’ve just come from the doctor. I not only have heart trouble, but I also have arthritis, high blood pressure, diabetes and a brain tumor. Any day now, I’m likely to die.”
NEWF: “It could be worse.”

Jack: “That’s what you think. My bank tells me they are going to foreclose on my mortgage. I’m bankrupt – broke.”
NEWF: “It could be worse.”

Jack: “Not only that, but my wife is suing me for divorce and intends to take the children.”
NEWF: “Well, it could be worse.”

Jack: “How could it be worse – there’s no way it could be worse…”
NEWF: “It could be me!”

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