Newfie Jokes in Newfie Slang!

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Thursday, December 22, 2011

Funny Newfie Version of Survivor

Did you know dat' NTV is making a Newfie show of Survivor". These are the rules by's:

All Newfies gotta take an obstacle course around Newfoundland and Labrador. They gotta go from St. John's to Port aux Basques, then back to Corner Brook, then to St. Anthony, where they swim across the channel to Labrador. From there dey' go to Goose Bay, Labrador City, and swim across the channel to Newfieland once again. Down the Northern Peninsula dey' go, stopping for coffee at Tim Hortons in every Tims dey find until dey' reach the finish line right smacl in da' middle of Newfoundland... Buchans!

Dey' gotta drive a four wheeler. On da' bumper sticker it says:

"DANNY WILLIAMS, THE BEST PREMIER SINCE JOEY SMALLWOOD."

Whoever gets dere' first id da' winner, and gets a 2 loads a wood, two rabbits, and 8 bottles of moose (donated by someones grandmudder').

One contestant was gonna travel on dis' bike but could't get his bike lock untied!


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Friday, December 16, 2011

Funny Newfie Cab Driver Joke and Picture

A newfie in a Gullivers taxi cab wanted to ask the taxi driver something and tapped him on da shoulder. The driver yelled, lost control of da' cab and stopped just in time.

The taxi driver said, "Don't ever dat again by'. You scared the livin' daylights outta me by'."

The passenger apologized and said he as sorry, he didn't expect da driver to be scared so much.

The taxi driver replied, "Not really yer fault by', dis' is my first day ever drivin' - I was a hearse driver for the past 25 years."



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Sunday, December 11, 2011

Newfie Snowstorm Picture and Funny Fishing Joke

Four married gentlemen go fishing. One of them was a Newfie. After an hour, the following conversation took place.

First guy: " You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second guy: " that's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy: " Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to fish when they realized that the Newfie has not said a word. So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. " What's the deal?"

Newfie: " I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the missus a nudge and said, " Fishing or S*x" and she said, " Wear a Sweater."

Newfoundland Snowstorm

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Saturday, December 10, 2011

Funny Newfie Joke - Throwing Away Nails

Throwing Away Nails 

Two newfies are building a shed. One newf is putting on siding. The newfie nails one nail in a throws the other away. He nails another in with his hammer, then tosses the other. After awhile the other comes over and says..." We needs those nails by' ... why throw them away?" The newfie says, "Every one were pointed at the wrong side." The other newfie gets mad and says, "You stun, those' are fer the other side of da' shed by'.

Hahaha! Dat' wuz a funny newfie joke!

Newfie Limo

Newfie Limo Funny Picture!

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Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Funny Christmas Newfie Joke and Funny Santa Picture

Newfie Joke - Christmas!


Three men died on Christmas Eve and dey' were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The man frum Nova Scotia fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said. The man frum Saskatchewan reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook dem' and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Newfie started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter gawked at da' man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The Newfie replied, 'Dese are Carols.'    LOL!!!

Funny Picture of Santa!

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Monday, December 5, 2011

Hitched Newfie Sailor - Funny Newfie Joke

Funny Joke - Newfie Hitched 

Newfie girls should like this funny joke!


A brand new hitched Newfie sailor is told by the Canadian Armed Forces that they wants him to go fight the war in Iraq for 2 full years. A long time after he gets there he gets to a missin' his new wifey, so he writes her a love letter.

"My sweet newfie bride," he writes, "we been apart for sooo long. I misses you so bad and our troop  by good lookin', native gals. The temptation’s real bad. I needs someting else to do, to keep me brain off of dem'."

His wife mails him a fiddle with a letter reading, "You gots to get to learning dis'"

When the Newfie finally gets home, he scurries into his wife's arms. "Me doll" he says, "I can’t wait to get you into bed to do wat' i've been missing!"

But his wife suddenly stops him. "First, you gotta play me a tune wit' dat' fiddle."

HaHaHa! Dat' wuz a funny joke!



Newfie Pizza

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Saturday, December 3, 2011

Funny Homer Simpson Sayings and Funny Simpsons Picture!

Funny Homer Simpson Quotes!


  • All my life I've had one dream, to achieve my many goals.
  • But Marge, what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder.
  • 'To Start Press Any Key'. Where's the ANY key?
  • I'm never going to be disabled. I'm sick of being so healthy.
  • Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?
  • Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover.
  • Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. 14% of people know that.
  • Lisa, Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.
  • Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
  • I'm having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to Church!
  • Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
  • When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces, I just know they're about to jab me with something.
Like these funny jokes

You may want to check out...
Newfoundland Wife Duties

Funny Homer Simpson Picture


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Two Newfies in Home Hardware - Funny Newfie Joke

Another Funny Newfie Joke


Two Newfoundlanders, one of them old and and the other young, push their shopping carts around Home Hardware and bang into each other.

The older one says to the younger, "I'm very sorry. I was distracted while looking for the wife, wans't paying attention."

The young Newfie says, "I'm looking for mine too! That's a coincidence!"

The older Newfoundlander says, "Maybe I can help you, and you help me. What does she look like?"

 "My wife is 24 years old, blue eyes, tall, with blonde hair, big bo*bs , long legs... How does your wife look?" .

The older says, "You don't want to know... I'll help you look for yours!"

Like this FUNNY Newfie Joke? Check out this one...

http://newfiejoke.blogspot.com/2007/03/newfie-jedi.html

Funny Polar Bear Picture


Polar Bears Camping Funny Picture!

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Friday, December 2, 2011

Funny Newfoundland Sayings

Funny Newfoundland Sayings


I'll be dere d'rackly
(I'll be there right away)

What a snarl!!
(extreme mess)

Well we rolled at dat; well we handy 'bout died
(Found something extremely funny)

What a feed
(a great meal)


More Funny Newfie Sayings



You can forget 'bout dat, ol' man
(annoyed with what someone just said)

Who knit ya?
(Where did you come from? or Who made you?)


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Thursday, December 1, 2011

Skipper Died Newfie Joke

Skipper Died Funny Newfie Joke


When Buddyfeller went to the newspaper to submit a notice in the obituaries, the clerk asked Buddyfeller if he had some stuff to say about his friend Skipper.

'Skipper died' is enough to put der'."

"Is that it?" asked the clerk.

" You know there's lots to say about your friend.... but if money is the issue, the first 5 words are completely free"

Buddyfeller thought about it for awhile said, " O.K. I got it! Put down 'Skipper died. Boat for sale."

Funny Newfie Boat


Funny Boat Newfie

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Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Funny Newfie Joke - Newfie Fishing Joke! Funny Picture - Trippy fingers

Three Newfies are fishing by a river with fishing poles with the lines casting away. A Newfie Game Warden sneaks up, and says, "Hey by', You's got fishing licenses?"
"Got none atall'," said the first Newfie.
"Well, if your gonna go fishing, you needs fisherman licenses by's," exclaimed the Game Warden.
"But Mr. officer," said the second Newfie, "we weren't fishing. We gots magnets near the end of our fishing lines and we're gettin' stuff under da' brook."
The Game Warden pulled on the lines... there were big ol' magnets righ ton the end of each line.
"Yes by's, knows der's no laws against it," exclaimed the Newfie Game Warden. "Get all the stuff ya wants by's." Then he just left.
When they knew the Game Warden was completely gone, the 3 Newfies started laughing like crazy. "He's a real stun' Fish Coppper," one said to the rest, "he never knew that der' are steelheads in dis' brook?"

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Monday, November 28, 2011

Newfoundland Wife Duties - Funny Newfie Joke!


Newfoundland Wife Duties - Funny Newfie Joke!

Three men from Ontario were sitting together one day bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from Quebec and had told her that she was going to have to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Manitoba. He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a girl from Newfoundland. He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything,but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little bit out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.


If a Man Speaks in the Forest
and there is no Woman
there to Hear...
Is He Still Wrong?
FUNNY Sign! LOL! 

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Sunday, November 27, 2011

Getting into Heaven - True Story

True FUNNY story from a Sunday school teacher in Newfoundland/Labrador:


I was testing the children in my Newfoundland Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to Heaven.

I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?'

'NO!' the children answered.

'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?'

Again, the answer was, 'NO!'.

'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?' I asked them again.

Again, they all answered, 'NO!'

I was just bursting with pride for them.

Well, I continued, 'then how can I get into Heaven?'

A six-year-old Newfie boy shouted out, 'YOU GOTTA BE DEAD'


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Friday, November 25, 2011

Bridge to North Sydney - Funny Newfie Jokes

Bridge to North Sydney - Funny, Stupid Newfoundland/Labrador Joke by's!!




A Newfie riding his Harley along the TCH just outside of Port aux Basque when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'


The Newfie pulled over and replied, 'Build a bridge to North Sydney so I can ride over anytime I want.'


The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking: the supports required reaching the bottom of the ocean and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'


The Newfie thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy.'


The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes, or four on that bridge?'

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Thursday, November 24, 2011

SCARY Newfie GHOST Story? LOL! Hilarious Moose Picture!

This happened in a little town in Newfoundland, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's absolutely true!

This guy was on the side of the road hitch-hiking on a very dark night in the middle of a terrible rain storm. The night was rolling and no cars were on the road. The storm was so strong the guy could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car come toward him and stop.

The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door and only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel!

The car started to move very slowly. The guy looked at the road and saw a curve coming his way. Petrified, he started to pray, begging for his life.

He had not come out of shock when, just before the car hit the curve, a hand suddenly appeared through the window and moved the wheel.

The guy, now paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time the car was approaching a curve. Finally, although terrified, the guy managed to open the door and jump out of the spooky car.

Without looking back, the guy ran through the storm all the way to the nearest town. Soaking wet, exhausted and in a state of utter shock the pale, visibly shaken guy, walked into a nearby bar and asked for two shots of Screech.

Then, still trembling with fright, he started telling everybody in the Bar about the horrible experience he just went through with the spooky car with no driver and the mysterious hand that kept appearing.

Everyone in the bar listened in silence and became frightened, listening to this eerie story; hairs stood on end when they realized the guy was telling the truth because he was crying and he definitely was not drunk.

About half an hour later two guys walked into the same bar and one said to the other, "Lard Tunderin' Jaysus, me boy, there's the jerk who got into the car while we was pushing it!"


More funny pictures, hilarious videos,web clips,
 gifs, animations, jokes, status updates, and more at 



Funny Moose Kiss Picture!

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Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Funny Newfie Horseshoes Picture and Blind Newfie!




Blind Newfie in the Swimming Pool (Toilet?) Funny Joke

There once was a blind Newfoundlander who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas." When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar.

Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."

After a couple of beers, the blind Newfie asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right."

The blind Newfie headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool. He fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind Newfie started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"

Newfie: a person from Newfoundland/Labrador

More hilarious jokes, cartoons, riddles, videos, much more at World's Funniest Jokes and Pictures!


Newfies playing Horseshoes with Toilet Seats! LOL!

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Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Woman Drivers Hilarious Pic and Funny Jokes! LOL!




Funny Woman Driver Hokes!

Policeman: ‘When I saw you coming round that bend I thought, “Forty-five at least”.’
Woman driver: ‘Well, I always look older in this hat.’

“We bumped into some old friends yesterday, my wife was driving.”

Wife: “There’s trouble with the car. It has water in the carburettor.”
Husband: “Water in the carburettor? That’s plain daft.”
Wife: “I’m telling you the car has water in the carburettor.”
Husband: “Don’t be silly, You don’t even know what a carburettor is. Where’s the car?”
Wife: “In next door’s swimming pool.”

“Nothing confuses a man more than a woman driver who does everything right.”

More funny jokes, hilarious videos, lol pictures at Funniest Jokes Ever!

New Seatbelt Design!
45% Less Car Accidents! LOL!

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Monday, November 21, 2011

Google Chrome Gun Comparison Funny Picture




'Eres a joke fer ya's...

What is Internet Explorer?
  1. One of the most amazing tools for downloading Google Chrome.
  2. Microsoft’s pre-installed, default internet browser for Windows. Has to be the worst browser on earth, because its only features are free viruses, automatic spyware downloads, and awesome security holes.The best part about Internet Explorer is that it forced companies, such as Mozilla and Opera, to make their own browsers, which completely and utterly blow Internet Explorer out of the water.
  3. A great program that lets you download viruses.

    Bob: w00t, I’m downloading 500+ viruses a minute on internet explorer!

    Jeff: Lololllolololllololollolz0rz! Inronetz explo0dr is liek fu*kin’, sh!t. lolololollolololo!!!!!!1!!1!11111!!11! XD

More funny jokes, hilarious videos, and pictures lol.. at Funniest Jokes Ever...

Google Chrome GUNS compared with other browsers,
Internet Explorer, Opera, Safari, Firefox
Anyone check out Google+ yet? Pretty cool... My Google+ Page... add me to ya circles by's!

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Sunday, November 20, 2011

The Genie, Newfie, Quebecer , and Torontonian - Funny Newfie Joke!!




There are three guys walking together, a Newfie, a Quebecer , and a Torontonian. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out, "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes."

So the Newfie says "I am a fisherman, my dad's a fisherman, and his dad was a fisherman, and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish" 'POOF' the oceans were full ( of fish that is).

The Quebecer was amazed, he said "I want a wall around the province of Quebec, so nothing will get in." 'POOF' there was a wall around Quebec.

The guy from Toronto says "Tell me more about this wall."

The genie says "Well its about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out."

So the Torontian says "Fill it up with water."


More hilarious jokes and funny pix at World's Funniest Jokes Ever

...

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Saturday, November 19, 2011

Funny Newfie PDA Picture and Hilarious Joke!




HaHa!! Fly in Beer Newfoundland Joke LOL!


A Torontrian, a Nova Scotian, and an old Newfie went into a bar and each ordered a beer. Each found a fly in their beer.

The Torontrian looked in his beer and said, "Hey bartender I have a fly in my beer. Give me another beer."

The Nova Scotian looked in his beer, found the fly, reached in an picked it out and continued drinking.

The old Newfie looked in his beer, saw the fly, grabbed it by the wings, shook it over the glass and yelled, "Spit it out!"

More funny pics by's and laffin' jokees at World's Funniest JOKES and Pictures!

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Friday, November 18, 2011

Funny Newfie Baby Joke and Picture!







A Newfoundland doctor wanted to find out what the best method of birth control was, so he surveyed three of his patients as to what method they used. The first patient says, "We're Catholic so we can't use it." "How many children do you have?" "Twelve." The second patient says, "We use the rhythm & IUD methods, and we have 6 children." The third female patient (six foot tall) says, "We use the pail and saucer method."

"How many children do you have?"

"None."

Just as the puzzled doctor was about to ask the next question, the woman's husband (five foot two) entered the room. The doctor asked, "What is the pail and saucer method?"

The woman says, "He's so short that we make love standing up, with him standing on a pail. When his eyes get big as saucers I kick the pail out from under him."

The BEST hilarious jokes and extreme funny pictures at World's Funniest Jokes and Pictures

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Thursday, November 17, 2011

If MEN Ruled the World - Funny Joke!




Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.

When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.

Garbage would take itself out.

Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"

Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response To "I love you."

Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NHL Team of your choice.

At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

Tanks would be far easier to rent.

Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."

Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years. (Wouldn't help -- you STILL wouldn't remember!)

Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

More funny jokes at Funniest Jokes and Pictures!

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Wednesday, November 16, 2011

You Know You're From Newfoundland When... - FUNNY Newfie JOKE!




You know you're from Newfoundland when...

- You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
- You only know three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup.
- The mosquitoes have landing lights.
- You have 10 favourite recipes for bottled moose.
- You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.
- Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
- You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
- You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground.
- Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
- You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
- You think s*xy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.
- The local paper covers national and international headlines on 1/4 page, but requires 6 pages for local softball scores.
- The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
- At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
- Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.
- You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck.
- You think the start of salmon fishing season is a national holiday.
- You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
- The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze.
- You find -40C a little nippy.
- You can play road hockey on skates.
- The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
- You know 4 seasons - Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction.
- You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Newfie friends.

more funny jokes at Funniest Jokes Ever

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Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Funny Moose Picture and Newfie Patch Joke!






Two newfs are driving, both enjoying a bottle of black horse, when a cop pulls them over. The newf in the passenger seat says "he's got us now by, what are we gonna do?".

The driver assures the passenger that they have nothing to worry about and tells him to follow his lead and say nothing.

So, the driver peals the lable off the bottle of beer, licks the back of the lable, sticks it to his forehead, and puts the bottle under his seat; the passenger follows suit. The police officer approaches the drivers window and asks for his licence and registration.

As the driver gives the officer his info the officer asks whether he or the passenger had been drinking at all that night, and the driver points to his forehead and responds, "Oh no sir, we's on da patch ya see!".

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Monday, November 14, 2011

The BEST Comebacks - Dating Jokes




Great comebacks for propositions .... for the female readers!

Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Perhaps. I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized!"

Man: "Haven't I seen you some place before?"
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"

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Sunday, November 13, 2011

FUNNY Newfie Archaeology Joke!




After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Toronto scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Ontarian's, in the weeks that followed, a Vancouver archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the Vancouver Province: "BC archaeologists, finding traces of 130-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 30 years earlier than Ontario".

One week later, the Newfoundland telegram in St Johns , reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in St John's , Newfoundland , James Smith, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing at all. James has therefore concluded that 150 years ago, Newfoundland had already gone wireless."

More hilarious jokes and funny pictures at Funny Animal

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Saturday, November 12, 2011

The Newfie and the Talking Moose - Funny Joke




A man's car stalled just outside of Gander one morning. When the man got out to fix it, a moose came along and stopped beside him. "Your trouble is probably in the carburetor," said the moose.

Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met someone. The amazed man told the feller his story.

"Was it a large brown moose with a crooked left antler?" asked the feller.

"Yes, yes," the man replied.

"Oh! I wouldn't listen to Old Lefty," said the feller. "He doesn't know a thing about cars."

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Friday, November 11, 2011

The Newfie in Space - Anudder Funny Newfee Joke




There was a newfie, an irishman and a frenchman that volunteered to go up in a space ship for 10 years. NASA asked each one what they would like a 10 year supply of.

The Irishman replied "I would love to have a 10 year supply of all the best whiskey!"

The Frenchman replied "I would love to have a 10 year supply of all the best food in the world!"

Then the Newfie replied "Smokes! I gotta have my smokes!"

So NASA packed them up and sent them off and then 10 years later they retured.

They asked each of them how they liked their things. The Irishman replied "Oh, I was drunk every second night!" and the Frenchman replied "Oh, I ate like a little pig!" and then the Newfie replied "Uh, gotta light?"

More funny Jokes at Worlds Funniest Jokes and Pictures

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Thursday, November 10, 2011

Funny Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart




Temperature conversion chart for Canada...

500 below (-266 C): Hell freezes over. The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup.

460 below (-246 C): ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero in the Kelvin scale). People in Canada start saying, "Cold 'nuff for ya?"

297 below (-164.5 C): Microbial life no longer survives on dairy products. Cows in Canada complain about farmers with cold hands.

100 below (-66 C): Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Canadians get frustrated because they can't thaw the keg.

80 below (-56 C): Mt. St. Helens freezes. People in Canada rent some videos.

60 below (-46 C): Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic. Canadian Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough.

40 below (-36 C): Hollywood disintegrates. The Girl Guides in Canada re selling cookies door to door.

20 below (-26 C): Californians fly away to Mexico. People in Canada get out their winter coats.

0 degrees (-18 C): People in Miami all die. Canadians lick the flagpole.

15 above (-8.5 C): Philadelphia landlords finally turn up the heat. People in Canada have the last cookout before it gets cold.

20 above (-6 C): Floridians put on coats, thermal underwear, gloves and woolly hats. People in Canada throw on a flannel shirt.

32 above (0 C): Distilled water freezes. Lake Superior's water gets thicker.

40 above (+4 C): Italian and English cars won't start. People in Canada drive with the windows down.

50 above (+9 C): Californians shiver uncontrollably. People in Canada sunbathe.

60 above (+14 C): North Carolinians try to turn on the heat. People in Canada plant gardens.

70 above (+19 deg. Celsius): Texans turn on the heat and unpack the thermal underwear. People in Canada go swimming in the Lakes.

more funny jokes at Funniest Jokes Ever

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Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Engagement Self Portrait Painting with my Beautiful Wife






Engagement Portrait
Self-Portrait with my Beautiful Wife
Oil on Canvas
3 feet by 4 feet
2011
ART by Graham Matthews

I began this portrait painting earlier this year in preparation for..
.
 ...more at Graham Matthews ART

Please LIKE my Facebook Page! Thanks!!

Graham Matthews ART on Facebook

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Tuesday, November 8, 2011

FUNNY Newfie Letter From Mom to Son!




Dear Son:

I am writing this slowly because i know you're a slow reader.

We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most car accidents happened within 20 miles of the home, so we moved. I can't send you the address, cuz the last couple that lived here (newfies) took the numbers with them for their next house so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine, but the first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain, and I haven't seen them since. The bathroom's a funny place for a washing machine.

It rained here only twice last week; three days the first time, and four the second.

About the coat you wanted me to send you; Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said that if we didn't make the last payment on Granny's funeral, up she comes.

About your sister; She had a baby this morning! I haven't found out wether it's a boy or a girl so I don't know if you are an aunt or an uncle.

Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pick-up. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out, but the other two drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate open.

Aunt Mabel is knitting you some socks. She would have sent them by now, but I told her that you grown another foot since she last saw you, so she's making another sock.

Not much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love,
Mom

PS: I was going to include $20.00 but I had already sealed the envolope before I remembered.

Find more hilarious jokes at...
Worlds Funniest Jokes Ever

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Retired - Funny Newfie Poem




My nookie days are over, my pilot light is out...
What used to be my s*x appeal is now my water spout...
Time was when of its own accord, from my trousers it would spring
But now I have a full time job to find the blasted thing
It used to be embarrassing the way it would behave
For every single morning it would stand, watch me shave
As old age approaches it sure gives me the blues...
To see it hang its withered head: watch me shine my shoes.

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Monday, November 7, 2011

Garge and his Hunting Partner - Newfie Moose Hunting Joke




A group of Newfies went moose hunting and split up into paires for the day. That night, one of the hunters, Garge, returned alone, staggering under the weight of a large bull moose.

The others asked "Where's Ted?"

"Ted had a stroke or some thing and died. I left him a couple of miles back up the trail."

"You left Ted laying out there and carried the moose back?!!"

"It was a tough call," nodded Garge, "but I figured no one is going to steal Ted."

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Sunday, November 6, 2011

Cookies for Wilbur - LOL! Funny Newfie Joke!




Cookies for Wilbur

Wilbur, an old Newfie lay perilously near death, his rugged, mahogany tinted features composed in stoic Christian resignation at his approaching end. His mind was very much on his impending demise, just as his parish priest had suggested when he suddenly smelled his favorite Molasses cookies. Their aroma wafted up the stairs from the kitchen to his twitching nostrils, teasing his, until then, dulled senses.

Was he dreaming?

He summoned some last vestige of strength and laboriously hoisted himself up from the bed and slowly made his way out of the bedroom. With even greater effort he gripped the banisters with both hands and barely managed to crawl downstairs, step by halting step. His breath came in painful gasps when he finally collapsed against the door frame and gazed teary eyed into the kitchen.

If it were not for his aching body he would have thought himself in Heaven!

There, spread out upon wax paper on the table and on all the kitchen surfaces, were HUNDREDS of his favorite Molasses cookies.

How his heart warmed towards his companion of the last 60 years. Wasn't this, after all, proof of a devoted Newfoundland wife's love for her husband?

Look how she was seeing to it that he left this world a happy man!!

Yes, admittedly, at times, she had been shrill or brusque but, holy Moses, just contemplate this sign of true affection for her old fisherman husband.

Mustering yet more strength from he knew not where, he lunged at the cookie laden table and landed on his knees, his lips parted in expectation, waiting to savor that delectable and characteristic taste of warm Molasses dough crumbling in his mouth. He could almost feel those wondrous morsels on his tongue! He felt a new surge of Life rise in him.

Weariness fell from him miraculously. He raised his arm. His withered, blue-veined hand trembled and reached out, hovered longingly, lingering just a fraction of a second in hesitation above the nearest cookie on the table............

WHAAAM!!

Out of nowhere a spatula, deftly wielded by his devoted

Mildred, came down hard and unerringly on his offending hand, imprisoning it relentlessly against the table's surface.....his crippled fingers scrabbled uselessly to retain the tantalizing cookie. "But what do you think you are doing?!!?" screeched his loving wife. "They're for the funeral!"

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Saturday, November 5, 2011

A Few Funny Newfie (Newfoundland) Sayings




Eyes like a caplin goin' offshore - (His eyes were bloodshot!)

'ere - (Here...note that some Newfies drop their h's and pick them up in front of vowels!)

Turn round, she's bind ya - (Turn around, she's behind you.)

Shockin' that is, shockin - (This should not need too much explaining...it's shocking!)

Mind your mouth now - (Be careful what you are saying, usually used to tell someone their language is a little off colour.)

Giv us a bitta dat luh - (Give us some of that.)

Any mummers loud in? - (Mummers are people dressed up who visit around Christmas...this is the question they usually ask after someone answers the door.)

Ya gat da face only a mutter could luv - (You got the face only a mother could love, in other words, ugly!)

Idn't dat fulish bye - (Isn't that foolish...and of course we Newfies say bye at the end of many phrases, instead of the eh associated with Canadians!)

Owshegettinonb'ys - (How is she getting on...or how is she doing?

I'll be dere da rackley - (I'll be there in a few minutes.)

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Friday, November 4, 2011

Signs You Might be a Newfie Jedi - Funny Newfie/Star Wars Joke




You might be a Newfie Jedi if...

1.You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be witt ya by*'."
2. Your Jedi robe is made of seal skin.
3. You have ever used your light saber to quarter a moose.
4. Both wings of your X-Wing are done over with sheet metal and rivets and are covered with polybond.
5. You have ever eaten bottled Ewok.
6. You have ever used a land-speeder to get away from wildlife officers.
7. The best part of spending time on Dagobah is the great weather.
8. Even C3-PO cannot understand what you are saying.
9. You have used Jedi mind tricks to help you drag off someone from the Sundance (Bar on George Street)and Breezway (University Bar).
10. You have ever used the force to convince a Human Resources Canada officer to give you unemployment insurance checks.
11. Your father has ever said to you, "Come on by' son, come on over 'ere to the dark side and have a Black Horse (Newfoundland brewed beer) witt yer old man."
12. You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to scare off mosquitoes on May 24 weekend.
13. You have ever used the Millennium Falcon to smuggle booze and cigarettes from St. Pierre (Island belonging to France just of southern nf coast).
14. You have a Newfoundland dog painted on the hood of your land-speeder.
15. You think Andy Wells (St. John's mayor) and Brian Tobin (nf premier) are part of the dark side of the force.
16. You have ever fantasized about Danielle House wearing her hair like Princess Leia.
17. You have a trailer hitch on the back of your land speeder for hauling your trailer to gravel pits.
18. Chewbacca is the lead of your dog sled team.
19. You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with snowmobile skis.
20. You were the only person drinking Newfie Screech during the cantina scene.
21. If you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father ... tell me what the hell your mother's getting on with by'?!"

"Boy" is pronounced "by".

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Thursday, November 3, 2011

Funny Newfie Joke! - Skydiving Newfie




A newfie wanted to learn how to sky dive. He got an instructor and started lessons. The instructor told the newfie to jump out of the plane and pull his rip cord. The instructor then explained that he himself would jump out right behind him so that they would go down together. The newfie understood and was ready. The time came to have the newfie jump from the air plane. The instructor reminded him that he would be right behind him. The newfie proceeded to jump from the plane and after being in the air for a few seconds pulled the rip cord. The instructor followed by jumping from the plane. The instructor pulled his rip cord but the parachute did not open. The instructor, frantically trying to get his parachute open, darted past the newfie. The newfie seeing this yelled, as he undid the straps to his parachute, "So you wanna race, eh?"

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Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Newfie Sandwich - Funny Newfie Joke




A English man, a french man and a newfie are all constructions workers. One day at lunch time English man opens his lunch box and finds a peanut butter sandwich and say "if my wife makes me one more peanut butter sandwich, I'm gonna jump off this building and kill myself. The french man opens up his lunch box and finds a tuna sandwich and says "if my wife makes me one more tuna sandwich, I'm gonna jump off this building and kill myself". Then the Newfie opens up his lunch box and finds and egg salad sandwich and says"if my wife makes me one more egg salad sanwich, I'm gonna jump off this building and kill myself.

Sure enough, the next day at lunch, they all get the same sandwiches and plunge to their deaths. A few days later, at the funerals, the english mans wife says "only if he told me he didn't like peanut butter sandwiches" The french mans wife says"only if he told me he didn't like tuna sanwiches". Thw newfie man's wife then says "but I don't understand, he's been making his own lunches for weeks!"

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Tuesday, November 1, 2011

These Three Guys - Newfoundland Joke LOL!




Newfie Joke!!

There were three guys, a Torontonian, an American and a Newfie. They were all going to be executed. The executioner said that since all three were to be executed that night, they would each get to choose the method by which they would die.
Their choices were: lethal injection, electric chair or by hanging. The American was afraid of needles and didn't want to be hanged, so he chose the electric chair. He sat in the chair and they pulled the switch and nothing happened. The executioner said that if this happens a second time that he could go free. They tried a second time and again nothing happened, so they set him free.
The guy from Toronto was also afraid of needles and didn't want to be hanged so he too chose the electric chair. Once again, the chair didn't work and he was free.
Next it was the Newfie's turn to pick how he was to be executed. He said, "I'm afraid of needles, the electric chair won't work so you're going to have to hang me."

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Monday, October 31, 2011

The Newfie and Shakespeare - Hilarious Newfie Joke




A Newfoundlander and Shakespeare die. They arrive at the pearly gates where, God says,"I only have room for one of you, so what I want you do is go off by yourself and write a poem."

The newfie thinking to himself "I'm up against Shakespeare, the greatest poet ever to live, how am I going to beat him."

God says,"An additional rule is that your poem must contain the word Timbucto."

Shakespeare comes back a few minutes later and says, "A boy was walking in the sand, with a sparrow in his hand, and from his hand that sparrow flew, his destination Timbucto."

Well the newfie was upset and thought, "Oh no. That was pretty good. What should I do now? I don't have a poem made up yet."

But, neverously, the Newfie gets up anyway, clears his throat, and says,"Me and Tim where homeward bend, we spyed three women in a tent, so I was one and Tim was two, so I bucked one and Timbucto".



We're not sure who won to this day......

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Friday, October 28, 2011

Make Me A Newfie - ANUDDER Funny Newfie Joke!




An Ontarian wanted to become a Newfie (ie. a Newfoundlander). He went to a neurosurgeon and asked "Is there anything you can do to me that would make me into a Newfie?""Sure, it's easy." replied the neurosurgeon. "All I have to do is cut out 1/3 of your brain, and you'll be a Newfie."The Ontarian was very pleased, and immediately underwent the operation. However, the surgeon's knife slipped, and instead of cutting out 1/3 of the patient's brain, the surgeon accidentally cut out 2/3 of the patient's brain. He was terribly remorseful, and waited impatiently beside the patient's bed as the patient recovered from the anesthetic.As soon as the patient was conscious, the nurosurgeon said to him - "I'm terribly sorry, but there was a ghastly accident. Instead of cutting out 1/3 of your brain, I accidentally cut out 2/3 of your brain."The patient replied "Qu'est-ce que vous avez dit, monsieur?"

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Wednesday, October 26, 2011

The Newfie Birthday - Funny Newfie Joke!!




Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!" and probably would have a present for me.

As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday. I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children will remember.

The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning, Boss. Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better that someone had remembered.

I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day."Let's go!" We went to lunch.

We didn't go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"

I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable".

She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake -- followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.

And I just sat there --on the couch -- naked.

Another hilarious funny jokes website:

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Newfie Airliner - Anudder Funny Newfie Joke LOL




Newfie Airliner

An airliner is coming into land at an airport obscured by fog. Visibility is practically nil, the ILS system is on the blink, so the newfie pilot has to land on wits alone.

"Flaps, check," he says to the co-pilot, "Landing Gear, check. Altitude, check. Right, we're going in. Hold on."

The plane lands and comes to a screeching, grinding halt; just short of the edge of the runway. "Holy Cow!" exclaims the pilot, "This must be the shortest runway I've ever landed on!"

The newfie co-pilot looks left and right and says "Yeah, and about the widest, too ..."


LOL... Ha Ha Ha.. dat' was a funny one..

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Monday, October 24, 2011

Huge Moose Chasing Tourist! Funny!






Look Behind You!!! Its a Moose!

Get in the van by's! We'll be safe in der'
. (Don't think so... LOL!)
Funny pictures of a huge moose chasing some tourists....

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Sunday, October 23, 2011

More Funny NEWFIE Phrases!

Long may your Jib draw - A good wish for the future.

Tom Long's account - To pay what you owe and have nothing left.

Mucked her off to the hospital - Took her to the hospital.

You are taking a rise out of me - Your flattery is only for the purpose of making others laugh at me.

You are as deep as the grave - Your real feelings are not easily judged from your appearance.

Tis not every day that Morris kills a cow - Favorable opportunity comes but seldom.

The old dog for a hard road - Experience easily overcomes difficulty.

You can't tell the mind of a squid - This refers to an unreliable person, a squid can move backwards or forward.

The older the crab, the tougher his claws - It is not easy to fool a sophisticated person.

Wait a fair wind, and you'll get one - Await and opportunity.

May snow is good for sore eyes - An old legend, many say it's true.

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Saturday, October 22, 2011

Newfie Hole Diggers - Funny Joke Ha Ha Ha!!

Two Newfies were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the guy who plants the trees called in sick.'

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Friday, October 21, 2011

Funny Newfie Pictures... Har Har Har!!







Newfie Christmas Tree Made With Lobster Pots!! LOL

Newfie Lawn Mower! Funny!

Newfie Lamp!

Newfie Port-Potty!!! Ha Ha Ha!!

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Thursday, October 20, 2011

More Funny Short Newfie Jokes!!




A Newf carried a sheep up to his bedroom and said 'this is the pig ive been fuking while you were away'
The wife looked at him and said 'thats a sheep not a pig'
The newf looked at his wife and said 'i wasnt talking to you'


How do you keep a Newfie from spending his welfare cheque???

Put it under his workboots


what is the Newfoundland equivalent of Grade 6?

Having gone to grade 1 six times


what was the newfie doing in the lumber yard?

looking for the board of education

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Wednesday, October 19, 2011

10 Husbands, Still a... - Ha Ha Funny Joke By's




A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a v*irgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get sc*rewed!"

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Death Row - Funny Newfie Joke




There was a German, an Italian and a Newfie on death row. The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die...
1. To be shot
2. To be hung
3. To be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death
The German said, "Shoot me right in the head." Boom, he was dead instantly.
The Italian said "Just hang me." With a snap of the rope he was dead.
Then the Newfie said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff." They gave him the shot and the Newfie fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.
The Newfie said "Give me another one of those shots." The guards injected him again and now the Newfie was laughing so hard that tears rolled down his cheeks and he was doubled over laughing.
Finally the warden said "What is wrong with you?"
The Newfie replied, "You guys are so stupid... I'm wearing a condom."

Another hilarious funny jokes website:

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Newfie Sayings and Their Meanings




Turn around, she is behind you. ......Turn around, she's bind ya.

Isn't that foolish..... Idn't dat fulish b'y

I'll be over in a while....... I'll be over now, d'once

My nerves are bad..... Oh me nerves, de got me drove

A really slow person.... Your as slow as cold molasses runnin' up a hill

How is she getting on/ How is she doing....... Owshegettinonb'ys

It's Shocking..... Shockin' dat is, shockin b'y

Give us some of that.... Giv us a bitta dat luh

Mummers are people who dress up in silly clothing during Christmas, and go from house to house. It's asked before entering the house........... Any mummers loud in?

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Monday, October 17, 2011

Funny Newfie Pictures by's!! What a Laugh!!




Newfie Bike Lock Har Har Har!!

Newfie Paramedics!! Are dey STUN er wa?!

Newfoundland Revolver!
ONLY USED ONCE!!
How many Newfies does it take to go ice fishing? Four. One to cut a hole in the ice and three to put the boat through.

How did the first Newfie get to Toronto? Some were playing hockey on the frozen-over Gulf of St. Lawrence and one of them got a breakaway.

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Funny Newfie Executioner Joke




A Torontonian, an American and a Newfoundlander are involved in a grisly crime and are all sentenced to death. The executioner told them that they would each get to choose the method by which they would die.
Their choices were: lethal injection, electric chair or by hanging.
The American was afraid of needles and didn’t want to be hanged. The American chose the electric chair.
He sat in the chair and they pulled the switch and nothing happened. The executioner said that if this happens a second time that he could go free.
They tried a second time and again nothing happened so they set him free.
The guy from Toronto was also afraid of needles and didn’t want to be hanged so he too chose the electric chair.
Once again, the chair didn’t work and he was free.
Next it was the Newfoundlander’s turn to pick how he was to be executed.
He said “I’m afraid of needles, the electric chair won’t work so you’re going to have to hang me”.


Har Har Har... now dat was pretty funny by's!!!

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Sunday, October 16, 2011

Newfie 911 - Funny Newf Joke Ha Ha




A newfie's wife passed away and he called 911. The 911 operator told him that they would send someone over right away and asked him where he lived.
"At the end of Eucalyptus Drive," the newfie told her. The operator asked, "Could you please spell that for me?"
After a long pause, the newfie said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

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Saturday, October 15, 2011

Newfie’s Short Runway - LOL Funny Newfie Joke By's




[As they approached Vancouver number 1 runway, the tower heard...]

PILOT: Bjeesus will ya look how fookin shart dat runway is?

CO-PILOT: Yer nat fookin kiddin, Paddy.

PILOT: Dis is ganna be one a de trickiest landings ever, Shamus!

CO-PILOT: Yer nat fookin kiddin, Paddy!

PILOT: Right, Shamus, when I say 'go' ya put de flaps down!

CO-PILOT: Royt, I'll do dat!

PILOT: An den ya put de engine in reverse!

CO-PILOT: Royt, I'll do dat, too!

PILOT: An den stamp an de brakes as hard as yer can an pray ta de Holy Mudder a Gad!

CO-PILOT: I'm prayin already, but I'll hit de brakes as hard as I can.

So, Shamus puts the flaps down and put the engines in reverse, stamped on the brakes and continued to pray to the Holy Mother with all his soul. The brakes screeched, the tires squealed, and there was smoke everywhere, but, to the relief of all the passengers, and, not least of all, Paddy and Shamus, the aircraft came to stop but a few meters from the end of the runway!

As Paddy and Shamus sat in the cockpit regaining some composure, Paddy looked out of the window and said to Shamus, “Dat has gat ta be de shartist fookin runway in de world!”

Shamus replied, “Yes, but da ya see how fookin wide it is?”

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Funny Knock Knock Jokes






FUNNY Quit Stealing Our Letters Sign LOL
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Doris!
Doris who?
Doris locked that’s why I am knocking!

Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Cheese!
Cheese who?
Cheese a cute girl!


Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Butch!
Butch who?
Butch your little arms around me!

Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Armageddon!
Armageddon who?
Armageddon out of here!

Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Doughnut!
Doughnut who?
Doughnut worry it is just a joke!

Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Thermos!
Thermos who?
Thermos be a better knock-knock joke than this!

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Friday, October 14, 2011

Tiger Wood's Balls - Funny Newfie Joke






Tiger Woods on the Prowl... Har Har Har!!
Sent on a golf tour in Newfie, Tiger Woods drives his new Ford Fusion into a petrol station in a remote part of the countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Newfoundlander manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.



"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are dose?" Asks the attendant.

"They're called tees," replies Tiger.

"Well, what on god's earth are dey for?" inquires the attendant.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.

"Lardthunderin!", says the Newfoundlander, "Ford tinks of everyting!"

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Thursday, October 13, 2011

Funny Newfie Love Poem and Funny Picture LOL








Susie tobin fell in love;
she planned to marry joe
she was so 'appy 'bout it all
she told her pappy so.

Pappy told her, susie, maid,
you'll have to find anudder.
I'd just as soon your ma don't know,
but joe is your 'alf brudder.

So susie put aside her joe
and planned to marry will,
but after telling pappy this,
he said, "dere's trouble still.

You can't marry will, my dear,
and please don't tell your mudder,
but will and joe, and several mo'
i knows is your 'alf brudder.

But mudder knew and said, my child,
just do what makes you 'appy.
Marry will or marry joe.
You hain't no kin to pappy.

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Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Can't outsmart a Newfie - Funny Newfoundland Joke




A Newfie went hunting one day in Ontario and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden, who didn't like Newfies.

The game warden ordered the Newfie to show his hunting license, and the Newfie pulled out a valid Ontario hunting license.

The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, 'This duck ain't from Ontario . This is a Quebec duck. You got a Quebec huntin' license, boy?'

The Newfie reached into his wallet and produced a Quebec hunting license. The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said , 'This ain't no Quebec duck. This duck's from Manitoba . You got a Manitoba license?'

The Newfie reached into his wallet and produced a Manitoba hunting license.

The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt and said, 'This ain't no Ontario duck. This here duck's from Nova Scotia . You got a Nova Scotia huntin' license?'

Again the Newfie reached into his wallet and brought out a Nova Scotia hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the Newfie 'Just where the hell are you from?'

The Newfie turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, 'You tell me.....you're the expert.!!'

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Tuesday, October 11, 2011

The Magic Lantern - Funny Redneck Joke




In the back woods of Kentucky, the redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there," said the doctor.

"Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet another one to come."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern. . . It seems there's yet another one in there!" cried the doctor.

The Redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "Do you think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?"

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